Hurt and Rejection

What are we really dealing with in hurt and rejection

When someones actions create a response of emotional hurt, the pain we feel is the inability to process the difference between what we assume is acceptable and what occurred. There is a painful mismatch between our expectations and the reality of what happened.

Rejection comes when others do not see us a way we want, through disapproval or non acceptance. We feel we are being shunned or discarded and it often creates feelings of not being good enough, of not being valued or wanted.”

Inherently we all want to be liked, to fit in and be part of something larger than ourselves. Being accepted brings a sense of validation that our way of being is on the right track. Those who have a broader perspective of themselves and their relationship to world they interact with, usually feel the impact of disparity and criticism less intensely..

What is known

Psychologists have long realized those with sensitivities to hurt and rejection can easily be overwhelmed by these emotions. Luckily these sensitivities can be reset and prioritized in ways more supportive to the persons overall well being, if the person is open to seeing things differently. For those where life has become too overwhelming,  extra care must be taken in helping them sort through these areas  When any set of events pushes a person too far past their threshold of sensitivity, even the small things become too much.

Raising self esteem and self worth can be a productive course of action to pursue in helping a person relate to differences more effectively.

 

Is it just about letting go of hurt and rejection?

The ideas we hold tightest become our greatest concerns when they turn out unexpectedly. It is difficult for those who get stuck on ideas of how things are supposed to be,  of how others should treat us,  of what is fair.  Many have constructed unconscious blueprints not allowing the acceptance of certain types of events.  When we can’t do something about the things we don’t know how to accept or if we just can’t process,  it can be painful. It is difficult to digest the unimaginable or find self supportive solutions if we can’t get beyond certain ideas or feelings .

Everyone’s level of sensitivity and interpretation skills are different. How we deal with rejection and hurt is not genetically inherent,  it is learned. Unfortunately many have never learned to effectively process beyond the interpretations of their sensitivities. It is difficult for those who do not know how to release, influence and work through areas of sensitivity. What we place importance on, how quickly we can release ideas and process emotions is what determines how easy it is to accept change.

When one can’t find resolution of way to support emotional sensitivities and perceptions , it may be time to seek help. Hurt and rejection left unchecked or repressed can lead to erratic bouts of anger. Over the long run it may lead to feeling disconnected or confused, isolated or depressed.

overcome hurtMake Changes That Give You the Emotional Freedom to Have Choice

Making change need not be difficult if you understand how the mind and nervous system work. At Designed Thinking we specialize in helping clients make changes in unwanted patterns. Change how you think; you change how you act, you change how you feel

There is hope for those desiring to release old emotions, be it anger, guilt, grief or sadness.  We help many clients right in the comfort of their home. Call our toll free number 866-718-9995 to find out how. It’s never too late when your are ready to change.

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10 Comments

  1. How to i reboot my emotions and my fearful mind . I just want to stop all the pain ,fear, negativity. Loss ,rejection . I just want healthty , happy ,excited about my future mind set. I cant keep going on in this very sad world of pain that my mind keeps replaying ! Please give me some tools so that i can move forward to a positive good way of thinking !, im isolating. I wish it was as easy as just saying STOP IT ! If u could give me steps to take i will practice with all my heart to change my thought,mind,emotions to free myself from this painful bondage.. thank u for your time coco

    • Coco
      I wish there was some simple exercise or set of techniques that were easy to follow that would allow everyone to change and reboot their fears and emotional discomfort
      There are many reasons people get locked up in fears, anxiety and negativity and many reasons people have difficulty getting out. Tools and techniques can just as easily be used for more destruction as they can for rebuilding and creating anew.
      If you seriously want to change, you should work with someone, someone who can help you uncover the root reasons you are feeling as you do and at least get you started towards a path of better living. Check around what is available in your area. If you can’t find anyone, phone consultations can also be an option for you

  2. I am in a state of extreme hurt and rejection and feel cheated by my so called brother.

    I meet this person during my collage days, He was initially very nice to me and friendly. He started saying I feel like being your brother and once changed his name as “my brother” in contact list of my mobile. I asked permission of my parents that so called person is being very affectionate and is saying he feels he is my brother.

    At the same time around I was in love with another person who was very possessive and would not let out of his clutch but never planned to marry me…. This boyfriend always wanted sex and used me whenever he would feel…
    I was in my teens when I got trapped in this relationship and hence while graduating understood it was not a right thing I was doing to myself.
    I always felt it is immoral to have sex before wedding but since loved this guy so much that I gave to his sexual needs. While this relationship was going on a rough patch is when I met my classmate( so called brother).

    Once it so happened that ” my brother” so called, picked my boyfriends call. When my boy friend asked for me,,, this person instantly said “she is with me”….. this triggered my boyfriend and he shouted at this person. I had not introduced them to each other yet. Ever since this incident my boyfriend hated this person and never accepted him as my brother,,, he would get angry more and our fights got intensified.

    It so happened that my brother started showing a lot of affection and supporting me and advised me to get out of this relationship,,,,
    I finally asked my boyfriend if he was able to accept this person and my brother and that my Parents have accepted him as my brother and own family,,,,But he could not accept it. I used to try stop talking and than fall back again. this happened several times.
    Since I also was in a dilemma and felt bad and guilty of these sex things I took my brother’s words and advise very strong told my boyfriend to get married to some other girl( He readily moved on). In then meantime, I communicated to my brother that we broke up,,,, but I was still in the process of break up. But when this got to know I am speaking to my boy friend again he got very angry abused me in terrible words that a brother does not to a sister.

    Although I asked my boyfriend to move on in life, I from within could not get out of the relationship…. It so happened that my boyfriends wedding got fixed,,,, after this I have panic attacks, anxiety and so on, fell in depression and was in terrible state…. We went to an extend that my family along with this brother asked hime if he could stop that wedding and marry me, He did not agree saying sot of bad things.

    In the meantime I only took this brother’s help and advise to cope up with the break up. this brother showed so much affection that I felt comfort in him,,,, But I don’t know what happen this so called bother,,,,, Slowly he started getting physical and say he is helping me forget my boyfriend and so on and so,,,,,, this became another trap for me….. trying to come out of one and fell in a bigger problem….

    It went on for sometime, soon I realized that this poor brother trying to helping out or whatever thought she is used by a guy already and he could also get away with her,,,,( I don’t know if Iam right) because he also was very affectionate… He would do anything to keep me happy. I got very attached to this brother that even though he has sex with me I would with guilt from with in tell myself to forgive him( Which I know was wrong and bad from myside too,,, but dont know why and how it happened I fell. I some how tried to explain indirectly to stop doing this to me but he would ignore it.

    Finally this brother’s wedding got fixed and I was happy on oneside that he would no longer depend on me or need me for sex,, ans that only affection would left for me, on the other side I started having anxiety again of being left alone and rejected in life,,,, but somehow settled in.

    Since this brother loved me a lot and was very very affectionate, I tried and forgave him. Now during his wedding time he started hiding from me and talked to his wouldbe only when I was not around,,, ( this i sensed and found it)I used to feel bad but let it go. After his wedding, his wife was diagnosed for Cluster B, BPD and He lived with her only for 4 months.

    I supported him and equally showed affection to him in return during his crises time. She accused him of being impotent and tried to isolate him from em or infact his mother too and it was part of her illness…… He really went through a bad patch. He sent he back to her parent and was in the process of divorcing her, Suddenly morning I have severe stomach ache and went on to be diagnosed for ovairian cancer( I suffered during my treatment). A yr before my mother had breast cancer and was very traumatic for us (With the grace of god she survied) I started holding on to my this brother( truely in very good sense)…. I during my treatment had lost any hope of a wedding or sex,,, I thought and thanked god for just blessing me to see life once more.

    My affection intensified and got very dependent on this brother…. “He promised to take care of me and my future if I did not get married” and also kept on giving me hope that He would not get married again and take care of my life only”

    This hope went on to be very deep in my heart that I will be taken care off,,, In the meantime he kept in touch his wife after divorce thinking someday she will realize and come back to him. on the other side forced me for sex just after I resumed my periods, since this time he said he will not get married again I also agreed to it slowly.

    Now the current problem for me is he started looking for second wedding and hiding from me and meeting new proposals and always moody when he see me and fights and get irritated with me… I am however now for treatment for depression and anger,,,, but somehow feel not okay,,,, I am slowly able to accept that he wants to move on in life… but I feel that my future is in dark…. I feel he also used me for is sexual needs and now throwing me out….. I feel very low, left alone I get very angry and moody too, I have a lot of emotional out bursts and cry profusely,,,,, I have lost sleep for long time thinking of my sickness and now worsened after this person is rejecting me,,,,

    He says he does not think that ways,,, and he will still stake care of me as a brother but I feel very hurt that he used me sexually and financially and the reason I feel like that is because of his change in behaviour. To an extent that he has gone to his hometown to meet a girl for proposal by completely hiding from me. This feeling is making me feel so bad that, How could he hide? why is he not being transparent? why am I being avoided when asked for reason for getting irritated and being moody? I apprently got to read his email to the proposed girl, where in the mail he has written he seem to be happy on the otherside he is so moody and does not feel good about me being around….. I feel so bad and sad about this that I cant explain my pain. I feel I stand in darkness and do not know where I stand. I feel like lot of roads and I stand alone not able to see sign of light…… I cant not explain further

    I hope this not too big a post, please help me, I don]t not wish to falling to any other bad decision because I know I got 2nd life after surviving Cancer,,,,,, Is there any way that I can get out of this emotional abusive life….. Is it all that I have to go through,,,,, I do not know….. I am in desperate need of help…. Please

    • There are so many dynamics in this post, it is hard to effectively address your situation in a post. However, you need to redefine your ideas about relationships and sex, because your current ideas are not supporting you as a person. Having sex is not the same as having a relationship. While sex is usually part of a healthy relationship, the ability to relate to someone has little to do with a physical act. Having sex can bring intimacy, but the act of sex on its own, without establishing a health way to relate to the other person leads many to misread the emotional stirrings within.
      The “so called brother” seems to have relationship issues also, so I would not put to much stock in his actions. You need to work with a counselor, someone who can help you sort out where you stand with yourself and your relationships

      • Hi Michael,

        I totally agree with you that there are too many traumatic situation I had to go through.I also agree and understand that I need to understand what is needed in good relationship of siblings.The sex things went out of my control…. Well now I am clear about it.

        But what I broadly need to know from you is, Am I in a emotional abusive relationship? I panic when I think that I will loose my brother, so I adjusted even if he would hide from me, or lie. His coarse of actions are not all in line with what he promises to me.
        He makes me feel that I will stop his new relationships, but its like that I am sad and worried that I will be left alone.

        I have helped him come out of this abusive relationship, I pledged all my gold gave lakhs of money during his need,,,,, during those times he was very calm….. and during sex will say that u are enough for me and used to be too intimate. even during this times little did I know that he was is contact with his ex wife.

        After understanding that I somehow tried my best to avoid physical contact… But why does he emotionally abuse me that I am burden now? what do I do to get out of this fix?

        I have forgiven my ex boyfriend,,,,, and moved on but please help me understand my current situation and what needs to be done to lead a calm and peacefull life. When ever I see him I remember the way he acts in front of me. Michael Please help in advise.

        God bless

        • First you need to understand what you are doing, which is you are trying to hold on to someone while they are pushing you away. The fear of losing someone should never override your need to have dignity and self respect, otherwise you lose yourself and that is a terrible place to be. Overcoming this fear and building your self esteem will help you avoid similiar situations in the future.
          As for why this guy is pushing you away and treating you as a burden, is because he feels discomfort around you. He no longer knows how to process the relationship the two of you had. There is no reason for you to take the blame for this, relationships of any sort are a two way street, both parties contribute. He has his issues. The great misunderstanding many people have that if you are attracted to someone, in love with someone, if you share intimacy, if someone tells you something beuatiful about you, even if it is repeated over time, that there is some form of binding connection or promise that holds the two people together.
          To have a healthy relationship, both people must have a healthy relationship with themselves and their own feelings. Their ideas must be able to support each other, not just in words but in action and emotions. Both people must be able to deal with their own emotional states when things feel different. What someone says during intimacy may not be how they feel when they are not feeling intimate. People are not that consistent, not that predictible, unless the person is extremely stable. This is why you earn someones trust, by seeing how far their emotional boundaries swing, how do they handle stress. When he is calm he will be different then when he is not and he will say different things. He is confused, he is not stable. While he has positive and charming traits, it is not the whole picture of him, he has his downsides and you are not accepting this. You expect that if he tells you something it is always true and that is a fantasy on your part. He has shown you stability is not how he is, but you want to overlook it and hope that the image you have of him, the way you want to see him will never change. He can only love you based on his ability to love and how stable his emotional states are and he has shown you he is not that stable. Either accept he will be a rollercoaster ride to be around or realize your relationship with him is not what you think it is. I would pick the latter

  3. Dear,

    It seems I have reached a state where I have put a foot down to not taking any more verbal abuses. My husbands favorite phrase is: 1. two wrongs don’t make a right 2. forgive and forget.

    Now I have started giving him back, when ever he tries to abuse me verbally. When he questioned my behavior I told him to forget and forgive as two wrongs will not make a right. I told him its easy to preach, now try and practice.

    Only concern is that I feel lonely and depressed. Need to find ways to forget my husband and overcome past pains .

    Regards
    Sangeeta

    • Sangeeta
      Congratulations on standing up for yourself. That takes some real courage. There is always fault in the logic of the abuser and in their mind most of the logic is a one way street. They want to dish it out but they don’t want to recieve it back.
      Of course you are feeling lonely, the two of you are not really communicating effectively. Before you stood up for yourself, your husband would push you away through his attacks and you would still stay close. Now you are pushing back, there is more distance between the two you, but you are supporting your own needs, which you need to do.
      This is a difficult step for many who are abused to accept, that in a dysfunctional or abusive relationship it is all the more important to give to yourself, because you are not getting meaningful or emotional support from your partner or you are getting some but that support is stripped away when their abuse shows up.
      Your husband does not think he has any issues, so he probably will not seek therapy. He doesn’t see that he is part of the problem, his discomfort comes soley from you in his mind. This is the fallacy of abusers, they are not willing to relate to those they hold close because they cannot really relate with their own inner turmoil,
      You will have to make up your own mind as to what you are willing to put with, how much you are willing to hold your ground, when enough is enough and what options you are willing to take.
      Hope this helps

  4. Im in a a very bad emotionaly abusive relatonship.and its ruined my life.i just cant take anymore.im always in tears.i hate myself and what ive let him do to me .please help me.

    • I know this is a cliche’, but no one is going to help you until you help yourself first. If you are in an abusive relationship and you stay in that relationship, no one can help you because you are not in a place where any help matters. If you have your back against the wall and you feel you have nowhere to turn, no money to get out, no friends that will help you, no skills that will support you, then it makes your first steps more challenging, but no one can take those steps for you. May you are just so emotionally attached to the person who is creating hell for you that you feel you can’t bare the idea of leaving this man who of course has good qualities and it has kept you from overlooking how aweful he really is, you still have to make the choice, to get out. Getting out of the relationship is always the first sign you are willing to help yourself.
      Granted this is not always easy. Youy may need to check with local organizations in your area that help abused women. You should be speaking to a lawyer in your area, because the laws very from one state to the next as to what you are entitled to and what preparation you need to make before you leave so you don’t get screwed legally.
      If you don’t take these or some other actions to get out, the feelings of self hate is some part of you that has integrity, not because you should hate yourself, because self survival dictates that you support yourself, that you get out of harms way and this part of you wants you to take action.
      Please start calling local support groups in your area and some lawyers in your area.
      No one is going to blame you for having been in this relationship and you can get over all the crap he has done. You can get on with your life and rebuild your self esteem, but get away from him ASAP. It is the first step

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